Feeling much better.

I was reading through my last couple posts and wow, I was in a poopy mood that day. Well, I'm feeling much better now, well right now, we'll see in a few hours. The mood swings lately have been brutal. That, along with "all day sickness" has been taking a serious toll on our little family. Oh yea, I'M PREGNANT!! I am so lucky to have such an understanding husband. He has been taking care of everything and basically letting me eat, sleep, and throw up with minimal interruptions. We are really excited to be expecting another little one. My due date started as Mar. 20, 2011 but has now been changed to Apr. 2, 2011. We even got to see the little jelly bean at my first Dr. appt. and his little heart was beating strongly. I'm only announcing our news on this blog because no one reads it. I am hoping there are at least a few family members reading the other blog so I plan to wait a bit before announcing there. Although I'm sure they already know by now. We've pretty much told everyone here and there. There was no official announcement like last time.

Hopefully, I'll be feeling better soon so I'll be able to keep up with our little blogs more often. Right now I've just been to sick to really do anything and it hurts my head to look at the computer screen for to long.

Done with a capital D

I am so sick and tired of trying my very best to be at scheduled playdates and then something happens and I don't make it. I want a friend that I can call and say,

Me: "Hey, what are you up to today?"
Friend: "Nothing much, you?"
Me: "Nothing, you want to come over and hang out and the kids can play?"
Friend: "Sure, I'll be there in about 20 min., we have to go to the grocery store today you want to go with us?"
Me: "Sure."

You get the jist. I miss Tiffany and Melissa. I miss just hanging out with someone without having to be at a specific place at a specific time and not knowing anyone there. I'm just done. These mommies groups are supposed to be for making friends but I just feel like I am going to baby meetings where I compare my parenting skills with all the other mommies then leave feeling like a big fat failure. It seems like most of the people in this mommy group I'm in are vegan (or some other form of vegetarian), breastfeeding as long as possible (while I only managed to bf for 3 months), and very liberal (which I am most definitely not!!). I feel like the only thing we have in common, basically are our children. What happened to just a few friends coming over and sitting on the front porch while the kids played in the yard? What happened to women who love their husbands and don't bash them with all their friends? I'm just not like that. I hate that I have such a hard time making friends. It's me, I know it's me but it's still lonely. I'm like that person that no one likes and everyone says, "if she would just do this or not do this then she would be really fun to hang out with" but I don't know what that thing is. No one ever seems to tell that person and no one has ever told me anything. Ugh whatever, I'm just in a rotten mood from missing a playdate this morning. Sometimes I really hate living this military life. This kind of life is for those women who can make friends easily, that's not me. I miss home.

Feeling like a terrible mommy

Matthew is on a really rotten schedule. He basically wants to stay up all night and sleeps all day. I feel like if I could summon the energy to keep him entertained all day with only one 2 hr. or so nap then he would sleep great at night. However, around 0400 when he finally passes out I am pooped, as is the husband, so we end up passing out and miss our 0730 alarm...and the 0800, 0830, 0900, 0930, and 1000 alarms. Then it's 1500 and we are all rolling out of bed. By then of course it's to late to do anything fun like go to playdates or go to the zoo (which we have a membership to and have only actually used twice) so we end up sitting at home doing nothing. All this messes up our meal schedule to. At 1500 we are eating "breakfast", then we eat who knows what the rest of the evening/night. I feel like the most terrible mom. I should be feeding my family wonderful square, organic, whole meals. What I actually end up doing is throwing whatever is quick and easy together. For example, grilled italian chicken, rice, and green beans. We need more variety and we all need more sleep. I have a beautiful schedule all planned out. Now I just need to figure out how to get on it and then stick to it. Well, when I figure out that humdinger of a riddle I'll post again. Everyone have a beautiful and wonderfully blessed weekend....although no one reads this. So I guess I will just have to step in and have that great weekend haha.

Goals and Action Plans

Today we had a family meeting and discussed our goals, finances, and made an action plan for everything. I am so excited. We have finally made a budget and plan for going on an actual family vacation in Dec. 2011. I am also hoping to get the daycare up and running by Sept. 1, 2010. I am so excited to get things moving again. I felt like everything was on hold for way to long. We should be back ahead on our bills and everything in Sept. Michael also, finally, agreed that we would save 100% of his bonus this year. I couldn't be happier since I want to save as much as possible for a down payment on a house. We just had to double his spending budget to $300 from Sept.-Dec. I think that was a decently fair compromise. I just hope there aren't any unexpected expenses that come up. Michael also has plans to submit his WO packet and/or get promoted this year to E-5. I hope it all works out and that if he needs me I can help him out. We have made deadlines in both of our action plans so that we actually accomplish our goals. We have a bad habit of getting really excited about stuff and then the next day doing nothing about it. Now we have a specific time frame and an action plan that can very much be accomplished. I love days like this, when everything seems possible and we are moving forward with our dreams and goals. I feel so blessed to have such an ambitious husband. I don't think I would have lasted long with someone that didn't want to better themselves and/or their situation.

Soreness and TTC

I am finally doing some real PT! I am so excited. I love it although I am so sore after. When you do nothing for 6 weeks it's difficult to get back into the swing of things. I'm very lucky I am so resilient.

As far as the TTC we are currently 5-6 DPO. I will be testing in just 4 short days...ha. I wish they were short. This waiting is driving me crazy! This is also the first time anyone has ever known we are TTC. I'm afraid that I am jinxing us somehow. Oh well, I can only put all my faith in The Almighty and know that what happens is always for our best. If this ends badly then we will wait a bit and start again but without anyone "knowing". Although everyone that knows me well will probably know...I so terrible at keeping secrets. Especially ones as fantastic as this.

Feeling great!

Today is a new day and I'm feeling great!!! Not much longer and Jana and Andrew will be here. I'm so excited! Matthew is so vocal now and he does the neatest things. He really is growing up.

PT is coming along and I am now working on bending my knee 60 degrees...instead of the 30 degrees I was allowed after surgery. I wonder when the tightness will go away. I'll be running by the end of this year...I just know it!!

Started my own little blog

Since I started a family blog I thought I would start one for just myself. I figure no one will read this anyways but I might feel better about some things if I send them out into what feels like the infinite abyss of nothingness instead of my private little journal...well maybe in addition to.
I think about D nearly every day. I wonder how he would have played with M. My mind wanders constantly and sometimes for just a second it feels like he's here. 5 years old and about to run down the hallway to tell me something exciting that just happened. I know, I know...probably not the healthiest thing and I'm sure other Moms who have a significant loss don't feel like this but I think my very active imagination plays a big role. Time is supposed to heal all wounds but I think this one may have become infected when I was 19 and will never really heal properly. Giving my life to God helps tremendously. I only wish I had not taken that hiatus from age 17-22. I came back and like only our Savior can do He has taken me lovingly back into his arms. Like crawling into bed with my Me-maw after Pe-paw went to work at 5 am....the warmth and familiarity envelopes me and I just know everything will work out because He has planned it so and so it will be. Hmmmm I wonder what people will think...but then I ought to not care nearly so much. I have all I need.


Matthew 5:4

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.